I have thought of writing and sharing my pain for a long time. This has been torturing me for months and I decided to finally share it with you.
I know a lot of you would blame me and say that I am guilty, that if I want I can end it all, but I am so deeply in love and I would do everything I can to keep the man next to me, even if I am self-destroying myself.
I have a boyfriend for already half a year, it all started unexpectedly, simply one introduction, one date, one conversation and I totally got lost in his spider-web.
Love caught me unexpectedly; I know you think this can’t be real, that for half a year you can’t be certain of the love. But I am so aware of my feelings, this is a love you don’t notice at first, it touches gently the coldness of your everyday life. It changes it fully if you allow it.
There is another love that comes as a tornado and leaves only unfulfilled dreams and remains of your living behind.
There is love that you wait for days, weeks, months and years…and it doesn’t come, and is doomed to fail to exist.
There is love that is uncertain to pass by the threshold of present, sometimes does it, and sometimes stays in future forever. But there is also this love, in which I truly believe and feel, which even if it doesn’t happen changes minds, demolishes walls, does miracles after miracles. It can be very painful at times; it makes you gasp for breath, sometimes leads you ahead, but sometimes is blind. Sometimes kills you in order to revive or get rid of you forever.
This last love you can’t look for, ignore, nor challenge. When it happens you know it is the LOVE... your life starts in another direction, everything changes, even you are different. Well, that is the true love.
I never loved anybody till now, there was love, I can’t deny. I had everything I wanted, but that great feeling of love was missing.
As I already told you, six months ago I met the man I fell in love with. The problem is that our feelings are not mutual, I haven’t received as much from him, something that would make me love him, no, love just came over me.
I can say I have plenty of problems with him; he had a girlfriend before me, whom he was 4 years with, his first love. But he was cheated on and buried and found it difficult to deal with it all, that’s why he doesn’t trust anybody now.
Sometimes he treats me real bad, he had humiliated me to an extend where all I wanted was the earth to open up below and swallow me, in order not to feel anything and if I may sleep my eternal sleep. I would never forget my last St. Valentine’s day with him. I was watching all my friends happy with their loved ones and I was hoping for an attention from him, but he hurt me again as usual.
I would never forget how we were home and a friend of mine came and said – Happy St. Valentine’s day – I smiled and thanked her and he turned and said – Happy to all but not to us.
I knew it, I’ve always known it, he didn’t keep it a secret from me, he told me he can’t return my feelings, but I felt so hurt and sad by his attitude. He can say everything when we are alone, but it hurt to hear it being said before a friend. He humiliated me once more.
On this Valentine’s day I didn’t receive anything, no present, not even a nice word. He always talks about his ex-girlfriend – his first love – what it was with her. This makes me so sad and tells me again that he cannot love anymore; he is incapable of loving anyone like her. Not to mention that he always leaves me on third place, after his parents and friends.
Frequently he would be mad at someone else, no matter who, and would come and take it out on me and we would fight and I would have to suffer for someone else’s mistake. If he had problems with someone I was to blame.
And I always endure everything in the name of my love. He hurt me and he still is hurting me, but I learnt how to accept things as they are. I forgive him every time, but I get nothing in return. There were times when we would argue and it is his entire fault, but in order to get things back to normal I would admit it was my mistake, I would apologize, when in reality there is nothing to apologize for.
I have always treated everyone well. I don’t mean to say I am special, but I would think before doing something that would hurt someone, this is so egoistical.
I don’t know where I did wrong, but now when I met the man I fell in love with, the man I breathe for and love… And he treats me so bad and humiliates me so meanly. Whose mistakes am I redeeming, I don’t know, what I know is that I am destroying myself, and still I continue doing it. I know today he is with me and tomorrow- he might be gone. I don’t want much of him, simply to respect me, to be kind to me. This much I need to be happy.
I have one more problem; I am not well with my nerves, I have a weak nervous system. It all started with how much I was hurt in the past and I continue to be. I am quite dependant on sedatives, I can’t function without them. I cry, I suffer, it hurts, I am humiliated, I drink my pills – that is what my life is. I wait every single day that my love would remember I am there, he would be with me, I wait to see his false smile or even a mean lie, but told by him, I wait to be humiliated once more, but to be with him, I am so afraid to lose him.
It hurts me, but I am telling myself, it is once in a lifetime that a person experiences this love, and it’s worth it. Every sacrifice, every possible or impossible price, every breath and every moment of our fragile existence. Even if this love devastates our hearts forever.
-dulya
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